Coming up in the next 'Ask Ella'

This week's Ask Ella column dispenses advise on a possible path to take in response to a reader being upset upon seeing members of her inter-married family place a Magen David upon a Christmas tree. Inter-married families are apparently here to stay, Ella says. The sooner the community accepts them, the sooner we will likely stand a better chance of teaching them to carry on Jewish practices instead of losing them completely.

Previewing: All together, each alone

In next week's advice column, Ella advises 'Alone for the holdiays', a student who looks back on past Jewish new year celebrations that were a little less awesome and filled with a different kind of dread.

Ella says, The High Holidays are a time when all of us stand alone before God as we reflect on our lives and review our past year. But whether you realize it or not, you’re part of a much larger Jewish community.

With reasons for not wanting to go home for the holidays, 'Alone for the holiday' feels a great sense of loss.

Stay tuned to The Shmooze for next week's installment of Ask Ella.

Lousy Money Manager

Dear Ella,

My friend, Cindy, is a lovely woman, but she has no sense when it comes to money. Cindy is the type of gal who has to have everything – the latest trendy outfit, pair of shoes, car. She has her nails done every week and is forever going to her masseuse. The problem is that she has no money! She lives off some money her parents left her, but that will soon be gone. She has no savings, no RRSPs, no real estate. Her car is leased, her condo is rented and her credit cards are maxed out.

She has come to me for a loan from time to time, but I’ve always managed to weasel out of giving it to her. I feel like I’m standing by and watching my friend self-destruct. At this rate, she’s going to end up homeless.

How do I get through to her?

Lousy Money Manager

Dear Lousy Money Manager,

Cindy may be spending to fill a void. This excessive spending behaviour is no different than any other addiction.

Being a close friend, you have to care enough to actually get involved. You must call her out on what you see and not let her make excuses for her actions. Are you prepared to take her by the hand and lead her through the steps she will have to go through? If you are, here are some practical measures to help Cindy.
For starters, you need to get her to admit she’s in trouble. This will be the hardest part. Let her know what you’ve noticed and try to scare her into reality. Be honest and tell her why you won’t lend her money. If she’s willing to disclose her financial situation, you can show her on paper how she’s setting herself up for disaster.

If you can get through this first step, you can move on to a positive solution. Help Cindy come up with a budget. Write down every expense she has and every bit of money she has to work with. See if she’s willing to be accountable for her spending. This is a huge undertaking, and you need to decide if you can make this commitment. You might want to suggest getting a professional involved.

Don’t be surprised if Cindy isn’t willing to listen, but feel good knowing that at least you’ve planted the seed of concern. Let her know you will be there when she comes to terms with the fact that she needs help.

Bar Mitzvah Battle - Who Pays for What?

Dear Ella,
My son Aaron’s bar mitzvah is still a couple of years away, but I’m starting to think about it now. Aaron’s father and I are divorced, and I don’t know how that’s going to affect Aaron’s bar mitzvah.
Do we each have our own celebration? Do we have one together? Do we split everything down the middle? I have no idea where to start. Aaron’s dad and I tolerate each other and communicate for the sake of our two sons, but the divorce left us both very bitter, and we certainly don’t share any kind of friendly feelings. Financially, I’m not in the same bracket as Aaron’s dad, and I can’t afford to split an elaborate affair. Can you provide any kind of guidelines on how to handle this?
Bar Mitzvah Battle
Dear Bar Mitzvah Battle
Aaron’s bar mitzvah is a very important day, and one he will remember for his entire life. With that said, both parents must bend over backward to make this day very special, and everything else must take a back seat. If the two of you can’t be clear on that, then decide early and have separate celebrations.
Ideally, it would be special for Aaron to have all his family and friends together to celebrate his religious rite of passage. This will take much give and take from both of you, and complete co-operation and compromise. There are so many components involved: aliyot, invitation wording, cost, seating plans, number of guests, candlelighting, speeches, etc. All decisions should be put in writing, so there are no misunderstandings. Under no circumstances can Aaron be put in the middle. That’s not to say that he shouldn’t be involved in planning his bar mitzvah. He may have some very specific thoughts.
As long and the two of you continue to put your son’s feelings ahead of your own, you should be able to get through this with class and maybe even have some fun! As for cost, split everything down the middle and budget according to what’s affordable for both parents. A bar mitzvah can be very meaningful and tasteful without all the hype you often see these days. This is Aaron’s day, a day he will have prepared and studied for. He’ll be nervous enough. Make sure he’s not nervous about either of you.